I realized that it had been a minute since I had been on here. I did not realize just how long that minute was. I have never been very good with follow through. I start things all the time that I never finish. I literally have hundreds of projects, poems, stories, etc. that I have begun and never ended. I have stacks of journals that I have started and abandoned. It is not one of my better qualities. I can say that I will try to be better and I legitimately will…until I get sidetracked or something better comes along. That’s who I am. I struggle with it. Some days are better than others. This is who I am and it isn’t always pretty.
So where have I been for four years? Oh, I’ve been around. Here and there. I moved and moved again. I have nomad disease. I hate to stay put. I keep saying that I haven’t found my forever home, but the truth is that I wonder if that place even exists. I have found places that feel more right than others, but no place exactly that I have said I could live there forever. Maybe I never will. I do know that where I am now is not where I want to be and I actively looking for some place else and the resources to make that happen.
I have gained weight and lost weight. I went back up to nearly 600 pounds and I went down to 450. I had gastric bypass in 2015. I lost another 180 pounds, then I stalled, then I gained back 30, then I started again. I am now holding fiercely to 290. I can’t seem to break the plateau. I am still a food addict. I am still an emotional eater. I am back in therapy trying to deal with this and other issues. I may blog about them at another time. I make no promises.
My family is largely the same. I am still married to my best friend Shawn. My daughter turns 14 tomorrow. She is an amazing, beautiful, talented, genius of a young woman and I am immensely proud of her. Of course she is also mine which means I am often incredibly frustrated by her and we butt heads A LOT! I may write more on that at a later date, but again, no promises!
I start a new job tomorrow. Another of my fabulous, not so fabulous, qualities is that I am a job hopper. Again, I am working on it. It is one of things I most hate about myself. Apparently I have impulse control issues. Who knew?!? Lol.
You may ask yourself, and me, what prompted me to write a blog after all this time? Well, the truth is that today I started to write a poem. This is a big deal for several reasons, not the least of which is that I can’t remember the time I wrote a poem. I used to write all the time, but I have not for a long time. I used to call myself a writer and dream that some day I would make a living from it. I gave up those ghosts year ago and when I did I slowly stopped writing. It was so gradual that I did not even realize it until my daughter started writing. It reminded me of who I used to be. Not all of that person I was, was bad. I am sad to say that most of my writing got lost in a move and probably was destroyed never to be recovered. I can’t change that, but maybe I can start to write again. So here goes…the beginnings of my first poem in a long, long time…
my mind rages
my heart rages
my thoughts rage
my emotions rage
Like a fire rages
Out of control
until I am surrounded