Trust


I have always been very emotional. I have often let my emotions override my common sense. Many times my emotional mouth has spoken words that I wish I would’ve kept to myself. At this moment I am feeling very very emotional and trying desperately to keep my feelings to myself until some of the emotion passes and I can think more clearly. I feel hurt and betrayed, angry and more hurt. I have spent so much of my life feeling angry, hurt, lonely, betrayed, afraid, insecure, worthless, and unloved. I remember even as a small child feeling angry at the world. I was angry about the bad things that had happened to me. I was angry about what I didn’t have, what I couldn’t be.  I learned very early on that there are few people in this world that I can trust completely. It was often apparent to me that the people who were supposed to love me most were often the first ones to stab me in the back or throw me overboard. For long periods of my life I have been angry, resentful, and lonely. I have always loved and wanted to be loved in return, but I haven’t always known how to do that. I’m still learning every day how to love and be loved, how to accept and let go, and how to trust. Its’s a lifelong process. Now I’m a mother to a very very smart little girl, a very loving and trusting little girl. Her life hasn’t been all peaches and cream, but it has been a lot more stable that my life was. I have protected her from a lot of the things that I went through as a child. By the time I was her age I had already experienced one of the worst things that can happen to a child. It has always been my fear that I won’t be able to protect her and keep her safe. I hope that I can do that and allow her childhood to remain innocent. I am constantly struggling with the balance of teaching her enough to be aware and safe while letting her innocence remain. I don’t want her to be afraid, but I don’t want her to be too trusting either. She has never been shy around adults. Since she was very little, she has always been able to hold her own in a conversation with any adult. She enjoys talking to adults, debating her point of view, and learning new things from every adult she meets. This is so terrifying to me simply because she has no fear. I have tried to tell her that she cannot trust everyone she meets and just because someone looks nice and seems nice that doesn’t mean that they are safe. I love that she is so sweet, it terrifies me that she is so open, and the truth is, at least in part, that I am a little jealous because I don’t think I’ve ever been either one.

Cycles 01/21/2012


Cycles 01/21/2012

Cycles of the earth

Cycles of the moon

Cycles of my body

And of our love

Summer’s heat burns us

But keeps us longing for the glow

Winter’s kiss freezes

Like your icy stare

Fall brings death

Like my body growing old

No longer green

Unable to produce a bloom

We spin through our lives

Unable to stop the orbit

Unable to control the changes

That breathe us into life

And out of love

5 a.m. writing


Lately I’ve been writing…in my head…that is thinking of stories, songs, poems, lines that I like. I don’t know if anything will become of them. I’ve always done this, made up stories in my mind. I think I could’ve written a hundred books by now if I have ever bothered to write them down, but alas, I am quite lazy. So sometimes I start a story that I never finish. Sometimes I don’t even let it begin outside of my mind. I used to write poetry daily, or at least most days. Actually I would usually binge write. I’d spend hours writing and writing until I purged myself of lines of poetry and then I wouldn’t write again for days tor weeks. Sometimes if I really focused I could spread the writing out over a period of days or weeks so I only wrote a little at a time. Sometimes it depended on my life. I always wrote the most when I was miserable. I suppose that is the way it goes. Artists are always most prolific if they are suffering and in pain. I spent most of my youth suffering and I was quite the writer. Not really any good, but I wrote a lot. Mostly bad poetry but also some short stories. I got the idea for longer stories, maybe even novels, but I just never had the gung-ho to finish them. I’ve never really been good at finishing anything. I hate it about myself and yet I still don’t change it. If I changed all the things about myself that I hate, who would I be? Anyway, this appears to be turning into a free writing since I can’t seem to stay on topic. I don’t even know what the topic was supposed to be really. I just tried to lay down in bed and all these ideas flooded me at once and I kept thinking that I needed to write them down so I wouldn’t forget. Ideas for stories, characters, maybe an outline or two. I pulled a piece of bad poetry out as well. Maybe I’ll write them all down, turn them into something. Maybe they’ll just pile up high with the skeletons of all the other bits of writing I’ve accumulated over the years. I guess we’ll have to wait and see…

Lost


Shawn and I have been watching Lost on Netflix. We never watched it when it was on, but I remember hearing people talk about it and seeing posts on Facebook. It’s a lot more interesting than I thought it would be and it has sparked some philosophical debates between him and I. Most of them have been mild discussions with a few disagreements that ended in us agreeing to disagree. Occasionally we have changed each other’s minds on something, but mostly we just listen to each other’s opinions. It has opened my eyes to a few things I never knew about him probably vice versa. We’re now nearing the end of season six,  final season. If you haven’t watched it and ever intend to, then you should probably stop reading now. If you have watched it you will know what I am talking about and if you haven’t and don’t intend to, then let me explain. On the show Jin and and Sun are from Korea. They are married. They got separated and spent three years apart. During that time Sun gave birth and raised their daughter. Jin never got to meet his daughter. Sun left their daughter with her mother and went back to the island to find Jin and they did find each other. He swore, upon seeing her again, that they would never be apart again. There was an explosion on the submarine that they were on and she was trapped. The sub was filling up with water and sinking. He could not get her free and she begged him to leave her so that he would live and get back to raise their daughter. He refused and said again that he would never leave her again. So they both died. I was crying at this point, because I liked Jin and Sun, because I thought it was so brave and romantic that he would die to be with her, and just because it was all so sad that they finally got back together only to die so soon after. Shawn said that he thought Jin was selfish and irresponsible. He thought Jin should’ve saved himself to go back and raise his daughter. I was surprised by how strongly he reacted. I was equally surprised when I heard myself say, “So you would let me die alone?”. It started a standoff. I don’t even know why I felt so hurt. Of course I wouldn’t want him to die with me if that were us. I would never want Marissa to be without a parent. But a part of me thought that Jin never knew his daughter and he had always loved Sun so much that I understood why he stayed.  Maybe I am selfish. Maybe I am. But a part of me will always want to be loved that much.

Small blessings


In the past 7 years I have probably taken over 100 pregnancy tests. My cycle has never been regular and I often have pregnancy symptoms like nausea and tiredness, plus I stopped using birth control in 2005. So I keep hoping that one day the test will be positive and I will be granted another miracle. I never wanted Marissa to be an only child. Technically she’s not. She has a half-brother, but he lives far away and his mother has done everything she possibly could to keep us out of his life. So, for all intense practical purposes she’s an only child. Shawn and I have wanted another baby almost since the day she was born. Maybe that makes me greedy. I don’t think I was ever supposed to have any children and I got an amazing, beautiful, brilliant, funny, and kind child. That’s more that I could’ve ever hoped for and I am truly grateful for her. But I know that sometimes she gets lonely being the only child here and I worry about the future when her dad and I are gone. I don’t want her to be alone. Part of my reasoning for wanting another baby is for Marissa, but part of it is for me too. I love babies. I love all the little moments of learning and growing. I love all the joy and even the heartbreak that comes along with growing up. I know I’m not the world’s best mom, but I think I have learned so much in the last 9 years and I feel like I have a lot to offer a child. I would love to have another child. If I could adopt, I totally would. Love goes way beyond biology and I could love an adopted child as much as a biological one. Unfortunately I am not a candidate for adoption because of my health issues and money issues. So I am here wishing and hoping for a miracle and getting more and more afraid that I will never have another baby. I try desperately to not be jealous and spiteful when I see other women have baby after baby. I try, but I am not always successful. I try not to question the will of the gods. I don’t know why I have only one child and other women have 6. I don’t know why the worst parents seem to have the most kids while people who are or would be great parents have only one or even none. It doesn’t seem fair or right, but who am I to question what fate has in store. Everything has a meaning even if we can’t see it. So this morning when I took a pregnancy test, that of course came out negative, I was sad but not heartbroken. If I am meant to have another baby I will. If not, then I am more than blessed. I have the most amazing girl in the world and she makes every day worth living. I am so thankful that I got the chance to be her mom.

No pain will be a gain


Everyone has their own burdens to bear and no one can ever really know what its like to be anyone else. We can sympathize and some can empathize, but no one can ever truly know. I live with fibromyalsia, chronic pain and chronic fatigue. Some people have absolutely no idea what its like to have these issues. On a good day I can mostly dress myself. On a really good day I can put on my own socks and shoes. On a bad day I need help with my bra, socks, shoes, and maybe my pants because I may not be able to bend over. On a really bad day I don’t even try to get dressed at all and may not even get out of bed. I call those days down days and sometimes they are so bad that my entire body hurts and even the slightest touch feels like a thousand daggers piercing my skin. I love hugs and kisses, cuddling, holding hands, touching and being touched, but on really bad days touching only brings pain. I have always considered myself a strong person, but on fibro days I am as weak as can be. It is sad and depressing for me to have those days because I feel like it keeps me from my family. Its like there’s an invisible wall between us and I hate that. Of course the emotional stress causes my body to be more tense and causes more pain. It’s a vicious cycle. Yes, the truth is that I hurt less when I weigh less, but its harder to lose weight with the medicine I’m taking; another vicious cycle.  I also need to eat better, but the cost of eating well makes it harder when you don’t have a lot of money. I do a lot of the right things, I drink a lot of water and low-calorie drinks, eat a lot of vegetables and fruits, and I love whole grains and high fiber foods. One of my biggest problems is that I love fat. I love fatty meats and cheeses and I am also a carb addict. I love food. I just don’t want to love it to death. So I struggle with the concept of eating to live, not living to eat. Then there’s exercise. Exercise helps, but on days when it hurts even to breathe, aerobics are not an option, and there are days when even walking is barely an option. I’ve actually come to enjoy exercising. Some forms are a lot more enjoyable than others, but I really love doing exercise on the Wii with Marissa. We both have fun and we both do something good for ourselves-a double bonus! The surprising fact is that exercising regularly makes me hurt less, but I have to be very careful. If I exercise too much or too hard I hurt myself. I get hurt very easily these days. If I am hurt I cannot exercise and if I don’t exercise I hurt more. Anyone else see the nasty pattern? It’s a fine line that I have to walk and I have never been very good at balance. It doesn’t mean that I will ever stop trying to get better, it only means that I know my limitations. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. I have to battle every day. I hate to admit it, but I need help and support from my family and friends. Sometimes I need quite a lot of help and I know that sometimes my loved ones get tired and frustrated. I try to give back when I can. I try to only ask for what I need. Its easy sometimes to be lazy and let someone take care of me, but that is such a bad thing to do. It makes me weaker. It also makes me feel worse about myself. So I try to do as much as I can on my own. It’s a day-to-day struggle and I never really know when pain is going to strike. I can only hope for the best and live every moment that I can. I hope that anyone reading this will learn something from it, especially if they love  someone who deals with any kind of chronic illness. Always listen to loved ones and help when you can, but know that help does not mean doing everything for someone and support does not mean never letting them do for themselves. I have hope that some day we will find a way to alleviate chronic pain and chronic fatigue. I will never give up hope, but until that day comes, I will keep fighting the good fight, one day at a time.

Thankful and Inspired


Several years ago, a very dear friend of mine, Jean Burch, recomended that I try writing a gratitude journal. I did try, altogether I am pretty terrible about starting things and not keeping up with them. I start and stop and start and stop with almost everything in my life. Its something about myself that I dislike, but can’t seem to overcome. Its probably one of the reasons that I still have not completed my Bachelors degree and have changed majors several times. But I digress. Lol. Anyway, I have always liked the idea of being grateful for what we have. I try to say thank you often and be sure that people know I appreciate them and what they do for me. I try to give back and not just take. When I take the time to think about it, I try to be the best person I can be. Sometimes my craziness gets in the way. Sometimes I am petty and spiteful. Sometimes I can be very narrow-minded. It’s easy to be negative and it takes hard work and concentration to be a positive person at times.  All that being said I came across an idea about keeping track of sayings and quotes that inspire you. I liked it, but then I thought back to a scrapbook page that I did a while ago for a song challenge. The song was Open Your Eyes and my page was called, what inspires you. It had pictures of people I found inspiring like Gandhi and Buddha and Eleanor Roosevelt.  So then I thought that it would be fun to do a scrapbook about being grateful and inspired. I would do pages of people, places, things, and quotes that I am grateful for and/or inspired by.  I am going to use that page as the starting point and jump off from there.