I have noticed something lately. When I go into the fridge I see all these little containers full of food. They are called leftovers. Perhaps you have heard of them? I had heard a rumor that such a thing was said to exist, but never before had I witnessed it first hand. Honestly, I have always cooked for an army. I usually make enough for 6 or 8 servings even though there are only 3 of us. The sad thing is that we never used to have leftovers. Since I have been keeping track of what I eat and eating portion sizes, I am absolutely AMAZED by how much food we still have. I am stunned by how much I was eating. I would not want to know how many calories I used to eat. It disgusts me to think about how much food I wasted by overeating. Shame on me. I feel ashamed. BUT at the same time I know that I have to let go of those negative feelings. I have to move on and forgive myself for those mistakes. I screwed up ALOT, but I can’t change the past. I can learn from it and move on. On the plus side, having leftovers means I always have something for lunch, and it means that I already know what the portion size is because I ate it the night before. There are definitely benefits to having leftovers.
I do believe that I have had my first official exercise high. Exercise always makes me feel good. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I feel better after I exercise. I always get a little happy when I exercise, especially after I’m done! 🙂 But today I felt a total high. I felt SO good! It was unbelievable.
Back in the day when I was young and dumb, I did my fair share of experimenting with drugs. Some I had to try many times before I decided I didn’t like them. I liked smoking and getting mellow and happy. I was a happy smoker for a long time and I don’t regret it. I say this knowing that there is a chance that Marissa will read this. I have had this talk with her. She knows I did things in my life that I hope she never does in hers. I have talked to her about what I regret and what I don’t regret but I still hope she doesn’t do. I hope she never smokes or does drugs. If I had known then what I know now my life would be dramatically different today. BUT I digress. Big surprise there, huh? Lol.
So today, Shawn and I were doing EA Active. When I started doing EA Active workouts about a month or so ago, I did fifteen minute easy routines and I had to sit down after about every other exercise. Today Shawn and I did a thirty minute medium routine and I did not sit down once. I ran four times during that thirty minutes and at the end during the final moments when I wanted to stop I pushed myself through it and ran to the end. It was AWESOME! I felt a burst of energy and a lift of emotion so overwhelming that tears were running down my cheeks. I was crying tears of joy, of pride, and I was so high. It was better than any chemical high I have ever felt. I did it. I DID it! Amazing! I still keep smiling an hour later. I am so amazed. I never thought I would enjoy running. At my lightest weight I could barely run a minute. Now I’m starting to see why people run. Don’t get me wrong, I am not going to be signing up for any marathons any time soon, but maybe someday. It’s not off the table, and that’s a new feeling for me. I feel so capable. This may be the most addictive thing I’ve ever done.
This morning I woke up in pain. It was quite a bit of pain actually. My neck and back hurt. My ankle was throbbing. Even my chest and head and throat hurt. I can blame part of this on the crazy weather, but part of it is just my body rebelling. I have pushed myself hard and sometimes my body slams the brakes on. While everything I’m doing is good for me and will make me stronger and more able, sometimes I push too hard and hurt myself. Often, in the past, this was the point where I would get discouraged and give up. I would say that I can’t do it anymore. I would say that it was too hard, too far, too much or that I was too fat, too weak, too something. Yes I would cry and feel sorry for myself and make excuses to quit. That’s not happening today. Or tomorrow. Or ever again. I took pain medicine this morning. I have to admit that I was sad to need it, but I did need it so I took it. I’m already starting to feel less pain. I will do strength training today. It may be a shorter routine, but that’s ok. As long as I’m moving I’m ok with that. I will keep moving today, tomorrow, and every day for the rest of my life. I can never change my yesterday, but I can change my today and all of my tomorrows. Maybe some day I will be able to do without pain medicine. I hope so. I hope that some day I can do without ALL medicine. That’s something to look forward to for sure.
I started this blog months ago. Its been a draft for all this time. I’ve gone back to it a few times, but have never finished. In the waking events of my life and some friends’ lives, I have decided to finish it and post it. I realize that it may offend some people. It may cause some people to gossip. It may even cause some people to defriend me. I am okay with that. I don’t care what anyone says about me. I’m ok with who I am. Its taken me over 30 years to get to the point where I am ok, but I am. I’m aware of my faults and working to correct them as much as I can. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know what is important and who I can count on. If someone reads this and changes their mind about me, then they never really knew me at all and good riddance. I will not beg anyone to accept me. I beg everyone to accept each other.
Yes or no? Black or white? Either or? Nope. Life doesn’t work that way. What about maybe? Sometimes? Often? Then there’s gray, eggshell, and ivory, charcoal and ash, not to mention red, blue, yellow, and what you get when you start mixing the colors: orange and green and purple. Life is not lived in black and white and very very rarely are things ever as simple as yes or no. So why do people feel the need to slap a label on something or to try to break complex issues down to a simple 2 choice answer? Not everyone is straight. Not everyone who isn’t straight is homosexual. There are many complexities of sexuality and not everyone fits into a neat little category. As long as no one is hurting anyone, what right do you have to judge anyone’s sexuality? If it doesn’t involve you directly, then really, it does not concern you. What you do in your bedroom is your business. Not everyone is into eating white bread all day every day. That’s ok. Your way of life is in no way affected by my sex life and vice versa. I will never understand homophobia. I will never understand intolerance. I am married to a man who I love. When I met him and fell in love with him I wasn’t thinking its ok to love him because I’m a woman and he’s a man. I met him, got to know him, and fell in love with who he is as a person, not what he is as a body. I have loved a few men in my life. I have also loved a few women. If things had been different, I may have decided to marry a woman. Would that make my love any less real? No. My sexuality does not come from a place of gender. I am attracted to a person not a sex. That’s what feels right to me. I don’t expect anyone else to feel that way. If you do, great. If you don’t great. I don’t judge you. Please don’t judge me. Don’t condemn anyone else for doing what feels right to them. If you believe that the world was created in a week by an omnipotent creator then good for you. If I don’t believe that, then that is my right. I don’t hate you for your beliefs, so why would you hate me for mine? Almost every religious text, regardless of their origin of beliefs, says the same kind of things about how to treat people. They all say to love each other, respect each other, live and let live. People are so down on wicca, but the first rule of wicca is DO NO HARM. Don’t hurt anyone or anything. How bad can a religion truly be if the most important rule is don’t hurt anyone? Learn more before you judge. The election is coming in a matter of months and so the blood shed is already beginning. People are picking sides like this country is one giant game of red rover with so many suspected adults are acting like giant children. You’re either with us or against us. But really is that how it has to be? I am a registered Democrat, but I vote all over the map. Yes I believe in universal health care. I’ve done the research and I know that it can and does work. I believe in helping people and sharing both the burdens and the wealth. I believe in making education more available and attainable to everyone. That’s my left leaning side. Now I also believe in capital punishment. I know it’s not a deterrent for crime but it does stop that particular individual. I don’t believe it should be used in every case, but in some cases I absolutely believe in it. I believe in American’s right to bear arms. I think you should have to be sane to own a gun, but if you are mentally sound and not a criminal, yes you should be able to own a gun. I will, however, never see the need for guns that shoot 100 rounds a minute. That seems ridiculous to me, but that’s just my opinion. Its MY opinion. Mine. If you know me and you care about me, then you should realize that I have my own opinions and a lot of them actually. I am who I am. I don’t expect you to agree with everything that comes out of my mouth. I don’t even agree with everything that comes out oy my mouth. Sometimes I am completely full of crap! But that’s ok. Life is about learning and growing, challenging ourselves and others to learn. Sometimes we need to argue our points to find the best answer. Sometimes we may change each other’s minds, and sometimes we may change our own. Of course sometimes there really is no right answer. Sometimes there is more than one right answer. Sometimes we have no other option than to agree to disagree and that’s ok. We can still be friends when we stand on opposite sides of the fence. Sometimes we can meet in the middle. Sometimes we can just avoid that issue. I am who I am and its ok. You are who you are and it’s probably ok too 🙂 People judge each other and criticize each other and are sometimes downright cruel to each other over differences. Its ridiculous! We cannot all be straight, white, christian, and conservative, and thank goodness for that! What kind of boring ass life would that be? We are all different and we are all beautiful. There’s no need to fit everyone into a box with a label to be put neatly on a shelf. Life is not organized. Its messy and imperfect and beautiful and I for one, wouldn’t want it any other way! .
This time of year always makes me emotional. At this time in 2001 I was in an emotional upheaval. Not to paraphrase Dickens, but it was one of the best times and the worst times of my life. I had just met the man that I would marry, who would become my best friend and biggest fan. I had also just lost someone who I loved completely without ever meeting, my unborn baby. It was my second miscarriage and I was completely devastated. I know that it wasn’t the best situation. I was unstable in just about every way. I doubt I would’ve been any kind of a good mother, but I wanted to try. In a way, I think that having the miscarriages set me up to be a better mother than I might otherwise have been. I’ll never know. It wasn’t meant to be. I think of how my life might’ve been different in a hundred ways if things had been a little different. I think about how different I am now than the girl that I was then. This time of year always makes me wonder what might’ve been. I always feel a little sad, a little vulnerable, even a little crazy for these few days every year. Today I woke up with a lot of pain and tension and I know that at least in part its because of the time of year.
Today I ran, jogged really, just a little, but it felt like I was flying. I can’t remember when the last time was that I could run. I was doing my workout and during the part where I am supposed to run I actually ran. Usually I just speed walk during that part, but today, just for the heck of it, I tried to jog, and I did. It was so awesome. It was only for a short while and I didn’t break any speed records, but it was still a HUGE victory for me. A lot of people never realize how hard it is to go through life with pain and mobility issues. When you are strong and healthy and you can do anything you want, you don’t know what its like to be any other way. When I was at my worst I could barely walk. I will never forget that feeling of being totally dependent on someone else for everything. I never take walking for granted anymore. I remember not being able to put on my own shoes at all, now I only sometimes need help with my left shoe. It really is the little victories that mean so much. I know that I have a long long way to go. I have a lot of weight to lose. I have a lot of obstacles in my path. I am not unaware of the difficulties I face, but I am cautiously optimistic about my future. I know that I am strong and getting stronger every day. I am realistic enough to know that this is a lifelong struggle and there are no magic tricks to get me there faster. Its about being diligent and determined, having willpower and self control, and not giving up or giving in. Its also about knowing that sometimes I’m going to fail and that’s ok. I might have one bad meal or a whole bad day. I might even have a few bad days in a row, but I’m not giving up. I’m not going back. I’m not after a short term fix, I’m looking for a lifetime solution. I want a long healthy life. I may never run a marathon, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t aim for one, one small run at a time.
I am struggling. I always do. EVERY day I struggle with my food addiction. I’ve been keeping track of what I eat again. I should ALWAYS do this because it keeps me thinking about every food choice I make. It also disgusts me when I realize how many calories I eat when I’m NOT keeping track. I was doing pretty good until last night when I had a nacho blowout. I ate half a bag and it was a BIG bag. I was feeling a little sorry for myself and BAM! Bye bye chips! Then I felt awful so I ate some ham. How dumb is that? Very dumb yes indeed. Food doesn’t make me feel better. Ok, maybe it does, for about 5 minutes, but then I feel ALOT worse than I did to begin with because not only do I feel bad about whatever the original problem was, but then I also feel awful about what I ate. Stupid cycle that I all too often repeat. Its an addiction and like almost any addiction, habits must be broken and patterns must be changed. I have to face it, accept it, and let it go. I watched the documentary “Fat Sick and Nearly Dead” and I was amazed. What a great example. Ever since I saw it, I’ve been trying to convince myself to do a 10 day juice fast. I know it will clean out my system and reboot my body. It will kickstart my weight loss and hopefully give me some much needed energy. I think its a good idea and I want to do it…except that I don’t want to do it. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE juice, fruit AND vegetable juice, and I could easily drink juice all day. That would not be the problem. The problem is that I am a carnivore and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I love meat. It makes me feel bad because I love animals and once I’ve seen them in person I cannot bring myself to eat that particular one, which is why I could never live on a working farm, BUT I digress. (I’m always off on a tangent, aren’t I?) Its another thing I struggle with. I wish I didn’t but I do love meat, and eggs, and butter, milk, cheese, etc. I might be able to go 10 days without rice and pasta, and I could definitely go 10 days without bread, but 10 days without meat, or cheese, or eggs…I seriously don’t know. I might naw someone’s arm off standing in line at Walmart.