Love Doesn’t Come In Sizes


Every time I hear a woman say, “I want to lose weight so I can get a boyfriend.” or I want to be skinny so I can find a husband.” I want to scream. I have always been a big girl. There has never been a time in my life when I was not overweight. I have always had a boyfriend when I wanted one. I have been married for 10 1/2 years. I did not lose weight to “get” a husband. I am not beautiful and I have never been thin, but I’ve always had a man when I wanted one. Have I gotten EVERY man I have ever wanted? No. Of course I haven’t. NO ONE gets everyone they want. I’ve been turned down by men who weren’t interested in a fat girl. Yes, it hurt, but guess what? There are lots of other men in the world. I’ve also dated guys who thought I should feel lucky to have them. I’ve been with guys who thought they could treat me like crap because I couldn’t get someone better. WRONG!

When I met my husband I weighed over 300 pounds. He fell in love with ME, not my weight. During our life together I have gained and lost weight and he has always loved me. He loved me at my highest weight and at my lowest. He wants to me lose weight to be healthier, not thinner. He loves and accepts me as I am. I think that everyone deserves to be loved like that. If someone only loves you because you are skinny or pretty, then they don’t really love you at all.

I think a big part of the problem is that people don’t accept themselves as they are. Some people want love but they don’t love themselves. You have to love yourself or no one else can love you. If you feel comfortable in your own skin, then other people will accept you. I know you’re thinking that I’m a hypocrite because here I am, busting my butt to lose weight, but I’m not being hypocritical. I’m not losing weight to get skinny or pretty. I’m losing weight to get healthy.  I’m losing weight so that I can live a long life with the people who I love and the ones who love me. I don’t have to lose weight for my family and friends to love me. They love me no matter what. I love me no matter what. Isn’t that how it should be?

Fear


I love to watch weight loss shows. I love The Biggest Loser and I have ever since it first came on. I liked Heavy and I wish they hadn’t cancelled it. I have also watched I Used To Be Fat and Extreme Makeover Weight Lss Edition, although not as often. Now that I am without television service, I am limited to watching what’s on Netflix. Lately I’ve been watching a lot of The Biggest Loser. Today I started watching Ruby. For those of you who don’t know what Ruby is, or I should say WHO Ruby is, let me explain. Ruby Gettinger is a woman who, like me, have been overweight all her life. She says at her highest weight she was over 700 pounds. Her show started when she was 477. It is about her losing weight and getting healthy. She goes to her family doctor, who warns her that she will die if she does not lose weight. She goes to an obesity specialist, a nutritionist, a personal trainer, and a psychiatrist to help her lose weight. She also has some really supportive friends and family.  She gets her food all prepared for her and portioned out in meals. She hates the diet. She has a personal trainer that helps her exercise and she hates it. She doesn’t want to push herself. She is afraid of hurting herself. It is a real fear that holds her back. In a lot of ways I identify with her. In all the weight loss shows I watch, I identify with a lot of the people. Weight issues are all very personal, but there are similarities that most overweight people share. I am afraid of hurting myself. I am afraid that I will die if I don’t lose weight. I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself for being so heavy. It is a hard life being so overweight. Every day is a struggle. People who are not morbidly obese can never understand how much they take for granted. I remember being at my highest weight and falling down in y kitchen when I was home alone. I was 32 years old and I could not get up. It took me 45 minutes to get up off that floor. For at least 5 of those minutes I was crying so hard that I could barely breathe. I was terrified that I would not be able to ever get back up. At that point I was one step above being bed bound. I was so close to losing any and all mobility. I thought I was going to die because my heart could not support my fat. I had nightmares about my little girl finding me dead in bed. It was all too much. I knew I had to change. Everyone reaches their own pont of no return, and this was mine. I went to the doctor to get help and was basically told that I had to do it on my own. I was too fat for gastric bypass. TOO FAT for weight loss surgery. Wow! What a punch in the gut that was. I did not have the money to go to any of the weight loss groups. I asked my family and friends what they thought. I signed up for Sparkpeople.com and I started tracking my food. I started exercising. Slowly at first. When I started, I could barely walk. I had to sit down and rest after about every 3 minutes. It was disheartening, but I did not give up. I started losing weight. I have been working very hard for most of the last three years. I have had relapses. When my Gram died I went into a 6 month depression and I gained back 40 pounds. I started again. When Shawn lost his job and we moved it was hard to exercise. Then there was all that family drama and I went into a bit of a down phase and I started gaining again. When I realized my weight was creeping back up I said no way! I have to get moving again. So I did. I have been killing myself for all these years. Now I am kicking my own butt to get rid of all this fat. All these years of pain and fear, anger, hurt, and all the fat from eating my feelings. I’m getting rid of it all. The past is gone. I cannot change what happened. I have to accept it and let it go. Some of it has made me stronger, wiser, and braver. Some of it has left scars. I will always have the memories but no longer will they define me. I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I will survive. I get stronger every day. There is no going back. I will not let fear hold me back. I hope that everyone who reads this gets this message. If you are letting fear hold you back, kick it in the butt, push it out the door,  or let it push you, but DON’T let it hold you back. You deserve som much more than that!