Long Time No Write


I realized that it had been a minute since I had been on here. I did not realize just how long that minute was. I have never been very good with follow through. I start things all the time that I never finish. I literally have hundreds of projects, poems, stories, etc. that I have begun and never ended. I have stacks of journals that I have started and abandoned.  It is not one of my better qualities. I can say that I will try to be better and I legitimately will…until I get sidetracked or something better comes along. That’s who I am. I struggle with it. Some days are better than others. This is who I am and it isn’t always pretty.

So where have I been for four years? Oh, I’ve been around. Here and there. I moved and moved again. I have nomad disease. I hate to stay put. I keep saying that I haven’t found my forever home, but the truth is that I wonder if that place even exists. I have found places that feel more right than others, but no place exactly that I have said I could live there forever. Maybe I never will. I do know that where I am now is not where I want to be and I actively looking for some place else and the resources to make that happen.

I have gained weight and lost weight. I went back up to nearly 600 pounds and I went down to 450. I had gastric bypass in 2015. I lost another 180 pounds, then I stalled, then I gained back 30, then I started again. I am now holding fiercely to 290. I can’t seem to break the plateau. I am still a food addict. I am still an emotional eater. I am back in therapy trying to deal with this and other issues. I may blog about them at another time. I make no promises.

My family is largely the same. I am still married to my best friend Shawn. My daughter turns 14 tomorrow. She is an amazing, beautiful, talented, genius of a young woman and I am immensely proud of her. Of course she is also mine which means I am often incredibly frustrated by her and we butt heads A LOT! I may write more on that at a later date, but again, no promises!

I start a new job tomorrow. Another of my fabulous, not so fabulous, qualities is that I am a job hopper. Again, I am working on it. It is one of things I most hate about myself. Apparently I have impulse control issues. Who knew?!? Lol.

You may ask yourself, and me, what prompted me to write a blog after all this time? Well, the truth is that today I started to write a poem. This is a big deal for several reasons, not the least of which is that I can’t remember the time I wrote a poem.  I used to write all the time, but I have not for a long time. I used to call myself a writer and dream that some day I would make a living from it. I gave up those ghosts year ago and when I did I slowly stopped writing. It was so gradual that I did not even realize it until my daughter started writing. It reminded me of who I used to be. Not all of that person I was, was bad. I am sad to say that most of my writing got lost in a move and probably was destroyed never to be recovered. I can’t change that, but maybe I can start to write again. So here goes…the beginnings of my first poem in a long, long time…

 

I rage

my mind rages

my heart rages

my thoughts rage

my emotions rage

Like a fire rages

I burn

Out of control

until I am surrounded

by nothing

but smoke

and ashes

Fear


I love to watch weight loss shows. I love The Biggest Loser and I have ever since it first came on. I liked Heavy and I wish they hadn’t cancelled it. I have also watched I Used To Be Fat and Extreme Makeover Weight Lss Edition, although not as often. Now that I am without television service, I am limited to watching what’s on Netflix. Lately I’ve been watching a lot of The Biggest Loser. Today I started watching Ruby. For those of you who don’t know what Ruby is, or I should say WHO Ruby is, let me explain. Ruby Gettinger is a woman who, like me, have been overweight all her life. She says at her highest weight she was over 700 pounds. Her show started when she was 477. It is about her losing weight and getting healthy. She goes to her family doctor, who warns her that she will die if she does not lose weight. She goes to an obesity specialist, a nutritionist, a personal trainer, and a psychiatrist to help her lose weight. She also has some really supportive friends and family.  She gets her food all prepared for her and portioned out in meals. She hates the diet. She has a personal trainer that helps her exercise and she hates it. She doesn’t want to push herself. She is afraid of hurting herself. It is a real fear that holds her back. In a lot of ways I identify with her. In all the weight loss shows I watch, I identify with a lot of the people. Weight issues are all very personal, but there are similarities that most overweight people share. I am afraid of hurting myself. I am afraid that I will die if I don’t lose weight. I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself for being so heavy. It is a hard life being so overweight. Every day is a struggle. People who are not morbidly obese can never understand how much they take for granted. I remember being at my highest weight and falling down in y kitchen when I was home alone. I was 32 years old and I could not get up. It took me 45 minutes to get up off that floor. For at least 5 of those minutes I was crying so hard that I could barely breathe. I was terrified that I would not be able to ever get back up. At that point I was one step above being bed bound. I was so close to losing any and all mobility. I thought I was going to die because my heart could not support my fat. I had nightmares about my little girl finding me dead in bed. It was all too much. I knew I had to change. Everyone reaches their own pont of no return, and this was mine. I went to the doctor to get help and was basically told that I had to do it on my own. I was too fat for gastric bypass. TOO FAT for weight loss surgery. Wow! What a punch in the gut that was. I did not have the money to go to any of the weight loss groups. I asked my family and friends what they thought. I signed up for Sparkpeople.com and I started tracking my food. I started exercising. Slowly at first. When I started, I could barely walk. I had to sit down and rest after about every 3 minutes. It was disheartening, but I did not give up. I started losing weight. I have been working very hard for most of the last three years. I have had relapses. When my Gram died I went into a 6 month depression and I gained back 40 pounds. I started again. When Shawn lost his job and we moved it was hard to exercise. Then there was all that family drama and I went into a bit of a down phase and I started gaining again. When I realized my weight was creeping back up I said no way! I have to get moving again. So I did. I have been killing myself for all these years. Now I am kicking my own butt to get rid of all this fat. All these years of pain and fear, anger, hurt, and all the fat from eating my feelings. I’m getting rid of it all. The past is gone. I cannot change what happened. I have to accept it and let it go. Some of it has made me stronger, wiser, and braver. Some of it has left scars. I will always have the memories but no longer will they define me. I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I will survive. I get stronger every day. There is no going back. I will not let fear hold me back. I hope that everyone who reads this gets this message. If you are letting fear hold you back, kick it in the butt, push it out the door,  or let it push you, but DON’T let it hold you back. You deserve som much more than that!

Bob Harper, Where Are You When I Need You???


Last week I worked hard and I pushed myself further than I thought I could. I upped my strength training both in intensity and duration. I did more cardio than ever before. I was really hoping that it would be the week that I would hit my next big goal. Every day I hit my burn and most days I went well over my burn. I ate at or below my calorie goal every day. When I got on the scale Sunday, I was totally disappointed. I needed to lose at least 4.6 pounds, but I was hoping for 5. When I saw 2.4 I was crushed. I was sad and disappointed. I felt more defeated than I have in a while. I wanted so badly to hit that mark, that goal, that number that I was temporarily blinded to all else. I saw only the failure, not the success. I lost 2.4 pounds in 6 days. That is almost half a pound a day, at home, on my own. I don’t have a nutritionist, a trainer, or a food plan. I don’t have a gym membership. I’m here with my Wii and my computer and I’m figuring it out on my own. I am working hard and doing my best. It is always the right way? No. I make mistakes. Maybe I would do better if I had professional help. Maybe. But that’s not in the cards for me right now. I can’t afford it, nor do I have access to it. So, I don’t focus on what I don’t have, what I can’t do. I focus on what I have and what I can do. I am doing the best that I can with what I have. I know people who pay a lot of money for a gym membership that they never use. I know people who pay for a weight loss food plan that they cheat on. I know people who buy expensive exercise equipment that collects dust or holds clothes. I don’t have those options and if I did I don’t know that I’d use them. I don’t want anyone telling me what to eat when because I need to learn how to eat for myself. I don’t feel coordinated enough to use most exercise equipment and I’m still a shy exerciser, so I don’t know that I’d go to the gym. Maybe some day when I feel more capable and no longer afraid of breaking the machines with my fat butt. The one fitness accessory that I WOULD absolutely LOVE to have is a trainer. I would love to have Bob Harper come to see me, even if only for a day or two. I would love to know how do some of the exercises that I fear I am doing wrong. I would love to know how hard to push and where to work more. Sometimes I am so hard on myself and sometimes I know I don’t so as much as I can. It’s hard to be your own coach. I know that working out with someone else makes me push harder. I am competitive 🙂 I think having someone standing over my shoulder saying yes, no, more, harder, faster, etc. etc. would be good for me. I would love to have a basic guideline that says do this and you will success. Yes, I am succeeding on my own, and yes, I will continue to succeed, but a little extra guidance couldn’t hurt, right? Either way, tomorrow is another weigh in. I am so hoping that I lost at least 3 pounds. If I did you may hear me screaming and cheering. If I didn’t, I may need to do some adjustments to my routine, but I won’t be defeated. Any loss is a success. I will keep moving on, keep movin on!

YOU Make The Choice


It is your choice. YOUR choice. Just like it is MY choice. You can support me. I can support you. We can encourage each other all day every day, but in the end it all comes down to choices: yours and mine. Today I woke up stiff and sore. I woke up with no energy and a bad attitude. No rhyme or reason for my mood, but here it is. I have been talking about exercising for 2 hours, but here I am, still sitting on my ass doing nothing. That’s the choice I have been making so far today. I know that I need to do strength training today. I also need to shower and get ready to go to the grocery store. Tick tock goes the clock and time keeps stepping on, yet I have accomplished nothing. I am reminded of how, not so long ago, just showering and getting dressed took about all the energy I had. I am reminded that, again, not so long ago, I couldn’t do 15 minutes of SLOW walking without feeling like I was going to die. I have come so far since then. I am so much stronger. I didn’t get stronger by sitting on my ass moping. I made the choice to get up and move. I made the choice to keep moving even when it hurt, even when I was tired, even when I didn’t want to. I made the choice to change my life and myself and I am SO glad that I did. No matter how much anyone loves me and wants me to be healthy, they cannot make the choice for me. Every time someone asks me my secret for weight loss I laugh. EVERY time. I tell everyone the same thing. There is NO secret. There is no magic pill. There is simply the truth. You make the right choices, every day, every time. You eat right. You move more. You don’t get to take the easy way out. You don’t stuff your face full of anything you feel like eating. You eat portion sizes and in the right proportions. You eat more vegetables than anything. You eat lean meat. You drink a lot of water. That’s a big one because another big one is you sweat. Yep, you gotta sweat. You sweat and then you sweat some more and then you drink some water so you can sweat some more. You make the right choices every day and every day you notice things starting to change. Your clothes get looser. You can walk a little further. You can move a little faster. You can reach a little further. You feel better. You breathe better. You look better. It doesn’t happen over night, but it does happen. The only way for it to happen is by you making the decision. Yes there are fad diets. There are surgeries and pills and drinks that can make you lose weight, and yes they do work for some people, but the shocking and sad reality is that most of those people gain the weight back. The best way to lose the weight is to do the work to take it off. It works because not only do you earn every pound that you lose, but also because it changes your life. Eating right becomes a habit. Exercise becomes more than work, it becomes a part of your life, part of your routine, and you actually miss it if you skip a day. When you diet, yes you probably will lose weight, but then at some point you stop dieting and usually all the weight comes back, if not more. When you start eating right for life, you never stop eating right. When you learn to balance food and exercise you learn what is right for your body. Last week I ate Cadbury creme eggs and ice cream and I lost weight. I didn’t eat a whole box of chocolates. I ate one piece. I didn’t eat a quart of ice cream, I ate a cup and I enjoyed every bite. I got what I wanted and I fit it into my calories/carbs/fat ratio for the day. It’s not about being deprived. It’s about making the right choices. Now its time for me to get off my ass and exercise. That’s MY choice. What’s yours?

Leftovers


I have noticed something lately. When I go into the fridge I see all these little containers full of food. They are called leftovers. Perhaps you have heard of them? I had heard a rumor that such a thing was said to exist, but never before had I witnessed it first hand. Honestly, I have always cooked for an army. I usually make enough for 6 or 8 servings even though there are only 3 of us. The sad thing is that we never used to have leftovers. Since I have been keeping track of what I eat and eating portion sizes, I am absolutely AMAZED by how much food we still have. I am stunned by how much I was eating. I would not want to know how many calories I used to eat. It disgusts me to think about how much food I wasted by overeating. Shame on me. I feel ashamed. BUT at the same time I know that I have to let go of those negative feelings. I have to move on and forgive myself for those mistakes. I screwed up ALOT, but I can’t change the past. I can learn from it and move on. On the plus side, having leftovers means I always have something for lunch, and it means that I already know what the portion size is because I ate it the night before.  There are definitely benefits to having leftovers.

Thankful and Inspired


Several years ago, a very dear friend of mine, Jean Burch, recomended that I try writing a gratitude journal. I did try, altogether I am pretty terrible about starting things and not keeping up with them. I start and stop and start and stop with almost everything in my life. Its something about myself that I dislike, but can’t seem to overcome. Its probably one of the reasons that I still have not completed my Bachelors degree and have changed majors several times. But I digress. Lol. Anyway, I have always liked the idea of being grateful for what we have. I try to say thank you often and be sure that people know I appreciate them and what they do for me. I try to give back and not just take. When I take the time to think about it, I try to be the best person I can be. Sometimes my craziness gets in the way. Sometimes I am petty and spiteful. Sometimes I can be very narrow-minded. It’s easy to be negative and it takes hard work and concentration to be a positive person at times.  All that being said I came across an idea about keeping track of sayings and quotes that inspire you. I liked it, but then I thought back to a scrapbook page that I did a while ago for a song challenge. The song was Open Your Eyes and my page was called, what inspires you. It had pictures of people I found inspiring like Gandhi and Buddha and Eleanor Roosevelt.  So then I thought that it would be fun to do a scrapbook about being grateful and inspired. I would do pages of people, places, things, and quotes that I am grateful for and/or inspired by.  I am going to use that page as the starting point and jump off from there.

Hello world!


I have decided to start a blog to keep track of what’s happening, to have an emotional outlet, and because I love to write and I miss doing it. I won’t say that I’ll post every day or even every week, but I’ll do my best. I feel like I should write more. There is always something going on and I forget way more than I remember. When I look back and read things I wrote years ago I am reminded of things I have long forgotten. That makes me sad for all the things that I didn’t write down and may never remember again. So, as I journey through life, making my way and doing the very best that I can, I will post blogs. I know that there will be certain topics covered more than others. I will, no doubt, talk alot about my family, bragging and bitching, because we are an emotional bunch. I will talk about scrapbooking because it is one of my all time favorite thigns to do. I will talk about Wii because I am addicted. I will talk about food and exercise because they are things I struggle with.  I will talk about health issues and pain issues because I face them daily. I hope people will read these and enjoy them. I welcome comments and critiques as long as they are constructive. Thank you for love and support.