This blog is not to the general public. It is not to my family and friends. You are all welcome to read it, of course, but it is written to a specific target and they know who they are. Here you go hater. This is what your comments caused.
I am so, so far from perfect. I have so many issues that some of my issues have issues of their own. I try to be a good person. I’m not always successful. I have an Irish temper. I inherited it honestly. Over the years I have tried to learn to control my temper and behave rationally no matter how angry I am. I am not always successful. Sometimes I get mad and my mouth starts running and before I can catch it, damage is done. Sometimes I hurt the people that I love the most. I am always sorry. I always feel terribly. Even in those times when I was told that what I said was not out of line or that the person might have deserved it, even then I felt terribly. I have never hurt a person without feeling bad about it. I admit, that I have hurt a lot of people, but no one more than myself. I feel bad about that too. For all the times that I said something nasty to someone, whether it was true or not, I have felt ashamed of myself. For all those tears that I have caused, no matter how I felt about the person doing the crying, I have felt guilty. My heart has hurt for every one of the hurts that I have caused and in some cases, I hurt myself way more than the other person.
For all of my mistakes, I can honestly say that I have never attacked a perfect stranger for no good reason. I have never lashed out and said horrible things to someone I didn’t know just because I could. Not that there is ever an excuse for hurting someone, but at least there should be a reason. To attack someone without provocation and cause them pain just because you can is unimaginable to me, yet it has been done to me.
In the months that I have been making YouTube videos I have met some wonderful people. I have made close friends who I love and value more than I can say. I have found support, encouragement and inspiration from people I may never have met otherwise. It has brought me together with people who I hope will always be in my life and though I have never met them in person, many of them have become very important to me. I am so grateful for all of them and for the opportunity to share our lives with each other. Sadly, it has also brought some nasty people into my life.
There are people on YouTube who have nothing better to do than to go around watching videos and making nasty comments on them. Sometimes they are snide and mocking, belittling, insulting and crude. Sometimes they are downright cruel. I’ve heard them called trolls and haters and some other more colorful names, but whatever they are called, I think they need to be called out.
Now I realize that there is freedom of speech and people have the right to say that they don’t like my videos. That is fine, but they can say that without being ignorant. You can give feedback, positive or negative, without hurting people terribly. While I would rather have everyone tell me that I am wonderful, I am well aware that I am not everyone’s cup of tea. Please feel free to dislike me in a positive way or at the very least, dislike me from a distance. If you don’t like me, you don’t have to watch my videos. You can go on your merry way and leave me alone.
It is very hard to have the courage to make a video about yourself, share yourself, your experiences and your feelings with the world. It is scary to post that video and allow others to see you for who you really are. I know that I willingly put myself out there to be loved or hated, accepted or rejected, and I am willing to face whatever the outcome is, but I don’t think that I should have to be hurt because some people have no sympathy, empathy or tact.
I think that some people get lost in the anonymity of being online. Because you aren’t physically talking to someone, you lose some perspective of things. If you don’t hear yourself say something and see the other person’s reaction, you might not realize the implications of your comments. I’m certain that some of the nasty comments made are simply miscommunication and not meant to be hurtful. Those comments I usually brush off with little further thought. It is the comments that have no possible interpretation other than cruelty. Some comments are made that are so hurtful, I can’t image how anyone can type them without feeling horrible about doing it. I always wonder, when I read comments like that, if I were standing in front of you, would you say that to my face? If your mother, sister or daughter was standing beside you watching what you write, would you still spew your venom? If you knew that I went to bed and cried myself to sleep because you chose to attack me, a perfect stranger, for no other reason than the fact that you have freedom of speech, would that make you stop and think before you leave me another nasty message?
The fact is that I do have a choice whether or not to post videos and I choose to put myself out there. 99% of the time I am glad that I do. I also have a choice in how I react to the comments that I get and whether or not I let them hurt me. Most of the time I don’t, but sometimes I do. Sometimes I let my emotions overwhelm me, and yes, sometimes I am mean, but I am never cruel. Can you say the same?